Do I Have to Tell a One-Night Stand I Have Herpes if We Use a Condom?
What You Need to Know About STI Disclosure and Casual Sex
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When it comes to herpes, disclosure and casual sex top the list of questions I receive. One in particular comes up again and again: Do I have to tell a one-night stand that I have herpes if we use a condom?
It’s a question that reveals so much about how we view casual sex, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and our responsibility to our sexual partners. Let’s dig in.
Who Really Needs to Disclose Their STI Status?
Here’s a truth that often surprises people: we all have an STI status, whether positive or negative.
The stigma around STIs perpetuates the myth that only people with STIs need to share their status. This misconception not only fuels stigma, but likely increases transmission rates. Many people (myself included at one point) don’t realize how common STIs are—only 13% of Americans know that 1 in 2 adults will contract one during their lifetime.
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that over one million STIs transmit each day, with the majority being asymptomatic. I used to believe I was ‘safe’ if I didn’t have symptoms and assumed the same of my partners. Like many, I approached sex while idealizing the carefree energy in an effort to avoid an ‘awkward’ conversation I didn't think applied to me.
Why? Because I simply didn’t know any better. I wasn’t educated about the realities of STIs and absorbed society’s negative beliefs. I thought I was invincible because I wasn’t the ‘type’ of girl to get an STI. As I learned after my herpes diagnosis, there is no ‘type.’
A Crash Course in Herpes
Let’s establish some key facts about the herpes simplex virus (HSV):
How many types are there?: There are two types of the herpes simplex virus, HSV-1 and HSV-2. Fun fact: They are part of a larger virus family which also includes chicken pox!
What’s the difference?: HSV-1 can cause oral (AKA cold sores) or genital herpes, while HSV-2 causes genital herpes. Read more here.
How many people have it?: According to the World Health Organization (WHO), an estimated 64.2% under age 50 have HSV-1, and around 13.3% of those between 15-49 have HSV-2.
How does it transmit? Oral, anal, or genital contact. This includes contact with sores, saliva, genital fluids, or through skin-to-skin contact with or without visible symptoms. For more details about transmission, please review the CDC website.
Treatment & Management: While there is no cure yet, it can be treated and managed with antivirals. For the latest updates, read this article on herpes research.
Skin-to-Skin STIs: The Limits of Condoms
Using condoms alone isn’t enough to prevent STI transmission, especially with herpes. This isn’t to discourage condom use—condoms are excellent tools for reducing STIs and pregnancy—but they’re not 100% effective.
With STIs that transmit via skin-to-skin like herpes, condoms don’t cover the entire genital area, leaving areas exposed to potential transmission. So yes, even with condoms, herpes transmission remains possible.
Are condoms better than nothing? Yes. Are they a substitute for informed consent? No.
The Questions We Avoid in the Name of ‘Casual Sex’
When we dig deeper, this question isn’t just about herpes disclosure—it’s about how we approach disclosure itself. For many, the idea of casual sex is tied to spontaneity. It’s supposed to be carefree and exciting, free from overthinking or logistical concerns.
Many of us were ill-prepared to have real conversations with our partners about sex. How often did your sex ed class or even your peers encourage open, honest conversations about barriers, birth control, or STIs? Instead, we learned to prioritize the heat of the moment and avoid anything that might ‘kill the vibe.’
Our cultural narrative reinforces these ideas. Movies and TV shows rarely depict characters pausing to exchange STI test results or talk about safer sex. The most we see is someone pulling out a condom—if that. These stories teach us that ‘good sex’ is impulsive, passionate, and uninterrupted by reality.
Spontaneous sex shouldn’t come at the expense of someone’s right to make informed decisions about their body. When we hold spontaneity as the gold standard of ‘good sex,’ we overlook the deeper connection and trust that can come from a shared commitment to safety and mutual care. Yes, even for one-night stands.
A Call for More ‘Awkward’ Conversations
My herpes diagnosis propelled me to analyze my belief systems in contrast to what I learned (or should I say, didn’t learn) about herpes. Many classrooms did us a disservice, which is why so many keep coming back to this question: ‘Do I have to bring it up?’
This unlearning process is often initiated by our own diagnosis or that of someone close to us. We’re forced to reconcile our beliefs with reality, even though some choose to remain in a state of willful ignorance.
We’ve put spontaneous sex on a pedestal, while overlooking what’s actually hot: partners who prioritize sexual health through testing and honest conversations. When someone responds to conversations about STIs with denial or resistance, pay attention—that’s a red flag.
Disclosure isn't about holding people with herpes to a higher standard, it's about a collective shift toward a culture of consent. Next time you question whether to disclose, remember that you're helping build a world where respectful, honest sexual experiences improve everyone's experience of pleasure.
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