Casual Sex After Herpes: Disclosure Strategies for an Empowered Dating Life
Casual Sex After Herpes: Disclosure Strategies for an Empowered Dating Life
How to Confidently Navigate Casual Sex and Disclosure After a Herpes Diagnosis
When you’re first diagnosed with herpes, it feels like your dating and sex life is immediately over. You feel like that spontaneous, carefree sex you once enjoyed is out of reach.
But people with herpes can still have “casual” sex. Let me explain.
What does casual sex mean anyway?
What most people really mean when they insinuate that their “dating and sex life is over” after herpes, is that their ability to have sex without disclosure is over. Many people link this to “casual” sex. People can have different definitions of what that means, but for this essay, it broadly means sex for pleasure without long-term commitment.
Sex without disclosure doesn’t fall under any definition of “safe sex.” When you’re first diagnosed with herpes, you’re forced to confront many of your belief systems, in addition to their inadequacies. For example, even the most comprehensive sex education classrooms fail to teach students about the realities of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and how to communicate about them with their partners.
This is largely why these conversations feel awkward and like the person who brings it up is a “moment ruiner.” This is further reinforced by society, as there are few depictions in media about safer sex disclosures and people dating and having sex with STIs.
Everyone has an STI status
Another critical failure of sex education is the perpetuation of a harmful myth: that only people with STIs have a responsibility to disclose their status. This creates a false dichotomy between those who have STIs, and those who don’t. In reality, everyone has an STI status — whether positive or negative.
Many sex ed classrooms, when discussing STIs, focus on symptoms and avoidance. This approach neglects crucial aspects of sexual health, including:
The importance of regular testing (and how to access it)
How to talk about your STI status with partners
Empowering students to communicate openly about sexual health, rather than shrouded in fear and shame.
This limited focus fails for several reasons:
Many STIs, including herpes, can and often do present without symptoms — making symptom-based education insufficient.
An avoidance-centered approach often leads to avoiding the safer sex topic altogether, increasing fear and resistance around STI testing.
This inadequate education leaves students ill-equipped to not only communicate about STIs but about our sexual desires and boundaries.
The safe(r) sex conversation isn’t a one-way street. Whether you are positive or negative, your partners have a right to know your status as of your last testing date.
How to have “the talk”
Unfortunately, people with STIs are usually the first to initiate this conversation because they’re most aware. While people living with STIs have an obligation to disclose, it’s unfair to expect them to initiate the conversation every time. We are all responsible for communicating about safer sex with our partners — and that doesn’t just mean talking about your STI status.
Whether you’re dating for the first time following your diagnosis or are trying to shape the landscape around STI stigma, here are four ways to approach disclosure with confidence and care:
1. Share your status in your dating profile
For people living with STIs like herpes and HIV, sharing your status in your dating profile can be a quick way to weed out potential rejections (and the feelings that come with it). For many, this looks like adding “HSV2+” or “HIV+” in the about section of your dating profile.
While this can eliminate people that would reject you, it doesn’t negate the disclosure conversation altogether. You’ll still need to confirm your STI status with your partners and ask about theirs — remember this goes both ways!
Important Reminders: Some people don’t read profiles and simply match because they think you’re attractive. They may not know what “HSV2+” means. While this option seems appealing and may work for some, others may use it as a means to get out of disclosing their status or avoiding the conversation altogether.
Pros: Limit rejection, proactive approach
Cons: Potential misunderstandings, reliance on people reading profile
2. Share your status via text or dating app chat
Once you’ve matched with someone and have been going back and forth for a bit, you might feel compelled to talk about your STI status before meeting up. Or maybe you moved straight to texting and are planning your first meet-up IRL.
Whichever the case, you’re someone who wants to address this before investing more time and energy. Sharing your status over text can be an effective way to initiate the conversation, link additional resources, and avoid any potential in-person embarrassment or shame.
Instead of leading with your STI status, consider bringing up the safer sex conversation and asking your prospective date to answer first. Their response may help you decide if it’s worth meeting up.
Important Reminders: While this can be a quick way to get to the point, it can also lead to digital safety and data concerns. Be mindful about how apps use your data (including any health data) and whether it’s protected online. Additionally, like any text we send, people can take screenshots which could potentially be misused.
Pros: Ability to craft a personal and thoughtful message, share educational resources
Cons: Digital safety concerns, lack of personal connection, potential for ghosting
3. Share in-person
This is considered the “old fashioned way” when it comes to STI disclosure. People can feel pressure to disclose their status in-person, especially if they’ve been chatting with a match for some time.
In-person disclosures can be beneficial. They remove the digital barrier and remind your date that you’re a human with feelings. It can be easier for some, as they can choose an environment where they feel most confident and safe.
Important Reminders: However, this method can also present safety issues. Consider: Do you feel safe with this person? Is this your first date, or have you met before? If you’re nervous about disclosure and waiting for the “right” moment in conversation, it may never present itself, or it might come after physical contact has already occurred.
Pros: face-to-face connection, control over the environment
Cons: potential safety concerns, difficulty finding the “right” moment
4. Send a voice memo
Voice memos have become a popular communication method, especially for long-distance connections. If you have something you don’t want to put in text, or it’s too lengthy to type, a voice memo might be ideal.
Voice memos are great for disclosure because you can add intonation and personal touches to the conversation. You can often set them to disappear after a certain amount of time, protecting your digital privacy. This is also a good option if you feel more confident expressing yourself vocally without interruption.
Important Reminders: You never know when they’ll play the voice memo, or if they’ll be alone when they listen to it.
Pros: add a personal touch, allows for nuanced communication
Cons: waiting for a response, potential for misinterpretation
Choosing the most effective method for you
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to sharing your STI status. The “right” method varies from person to person, depending on individual comfort levels, communication styles, and circumstances.
To find your go-to method, consider your strengths and preferences:
If you’re an extrovert and skilled speaker, voice memos or in-person discussions might feel more natural and allow you to convey your sincerity effectively.
If you’re more introverted or prefer to prepare your words, written disclosures via text or dating app chat may be ideal. This approach also makes it easier to share educational resources if desired.
If you want to be mindful of time spent getting to know someone, you might prefer disclosing upfront. Adding your STI status to your dating profile could streamline the process and attract more understanding matches.
Remember, the right disclosure for you is the one you’ll use consistently. It’s okay to experiment with different approaches to find what feels most authentic. The ultimate goal is to foster safe, respectful, and honest communication about sexual health.
By taking control of your disclosure process, you’re not only prioritizing your health and that of your partners, but also contributing to a more open and informed dating culture.