The Story He Told About Me

On Performance, Control, and the Fantasy of Dating a Strong Woman

Men love the idea of dating me. I’m pretty, driven, smart, and take care of myself. And yes, I can talk about sex—that’s what every modern man wants to hear, right?

In dating, I’ve learned to weed out the men who clearly only see me as a sex object. They’re easy to spot. The ones whose eyes glaze over when I mention my work, whose messages slide into my DMs with practiced smoothness, “So, you know about sex, huh?” Immediate block.

But the more dangerous man is the one you don’t see coming. The men who don’t use these shady pickup lines, who take you on dates, who seem to engage in conversation with your brain. Sex comes naturally—the attraction, the hunger. It’s not forced, I don’t feel like an object. I feel desired as a whole person. Like they see me, Emily, in my entirety.

Recently I came to the realization that a lot of men like the idea of me, but when the honeymoon phase fades and the reality of who I am settles, I’m no longer alluring. The fantasy of dating a confident, intelligent woman collides into the reality of dating an educated woman who is self-aware, opinionated, and has boundaries. And with that collision, their interest turns into resentment. The dream girl becomes a difficult woman.

Kelly Reemsten

My dad tried to warn me that “It’s easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one.” My ex proved him right.