The Case for Being a 'Bad Woman'
How Choosing to Be Childfree Challenges the 'Good Woman' Narrative and Redefines Reproductive Freedom
From my early writing about herpes to my recent posts about being childfree, I've learned that challenging social norms about ‘good women’ hits a nerve.
This week, when my content about being childfree gained traction, the reactions revealed something crucial about American society: We romanticize parenthood while failing to support actual parents, push people toward having children while making it increasingly impossible to raise them well, and question the choice to remain childfree while providing compelling evidence for why that choice makes sense.
In my recent TikTok, I discussed the internal conflict I face when seeing pregnancy announcements in today's world. It's challenging to navigate when you have friends who genuinely want children, but you're not convinced it's ethical. For me, it goes beyond simply not wanting kids—it's wrestling with the realities of bringing children into the present and future world.
Let me be clear: This isn't about who should be "allowed" to have children. This is about questioning why we, as a society, continue to push people toward parenthood while failing to provide the support systems that would allow all families to thrive. It's about asking why we don't encourage more critical thinking about the choice to become a parent, given the harsh realities of raising children in today's America. Yet despite these glaring realities, we continue to chastise and belittle women for their decision to not opt into motherhood.
To understand just how deep this contradiction runs, consider this: Earlier this year, when the Surgeon General released a report on the state of parenting, I posted about how unsurprising it was that parents are under-supported and over-stressed. The backlash was swift: How could I, as a childfree person, understand the challenges of modern parenting?
The Hidden Costs of Modern Parenting
Parenting is celebrated as life’s most fulfilling role, yet it is increasingly recognized as one of the most stressful. The Surgeon General’s advisory, which frames parenting as “an urgent public health issue,” merely confirms what many childfree individuals have observed for years.
For decades, we’ve normalized disturbing attitudes toward parenting, particularly motherhood. The “mommy needs wine” culture isn’t just a cute marketing trend—it glamorizes using alcohol as a coping mechanism for the stressors of motherhood. That we find this funny rather than alarming speaks volumes about how we normalize maternal suffering.
Since 1985, working mothers' time at work has increased by 28%, while fathers’ rose by only 4%. This disparity highlights the burden of emotional and domestic labor that mothers carry, which often goes unrecognized and unpaid.
Despite claims that parenting is undervalued by society, I’ve experienced the opposite. As a woman, my social worth is still largely defined by reproductive choices. My decision to remain childfree draws constant scrutiny from family and strangers alike—as if parenthood remains the only path to a meaningful life.
The Economic Reality Check
The financial reality of modern parenthood shatters the dream for many Americans. One-in-four U.S. parents struggle to financially support their family’s basic needs. Rising costs of living—from groceries to rent—have led to an 84.7% increase in young adults moving back home over the past two decades. While perhaps not immediately, this migration home impacts young peoples’ ability, or perceived ability, to date and start families.
The stress is overwhelming: 41% of parents report their stress is so severe that they can’t function most days. They juggle anxieties about social media’s impact on their children’s mental health and the fear of school shootings, with 74% citing the latter as “a significant source of stress.” When a friend shared that her two-month-old’s daycare has active shooter drills, it crystallized the harsh realities of raising children in America today.
The Generational Impact
The challenges of parenting compound over time. What starts as sleep deprivation evolves into deeper anxieties about body image, gender expression, and mental health—concerns that shape not only children's futures but their daily reality.
Nearly three-quarters of parents worry their child will struggle with anxiety or depression. More concerning is how parental stress affects children’s well-being—those with a primary caregiver reporting poor mental health are four times more likely to experience poor overall health.
The Challenge of Modern Education
In my work as a sex educator, I have unique insight into one of parents' biggest fears: their children's exposure to sexual content. While 71% of parents worry about explicit content on social media, many are equally anxious about sex education in schools.
The panic around gender-related topics in schools reveals a deeper truth: many parents fear what they don’t understand. The reality of age-appropriate sex education is far different from the extreme political headlines.
This content isn’t about promoting any agenda. It’s about addressing the concerns parents have as their children enter adolescence: navigating consent, understanding boundaries, recognizing healthy relationships with oneself and others—things many of us wish we had been taught.
The Declining Birth Rate Shouldn’t Surprise Anyone
Given these concerns, it’s no wonder that U.S. fertility rates hit a historic low last year, down 3% from 2022, per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The reasons seem obvious, don’t they? The overwhelming stress, financial burdens, and societal pressures make parenthood an increasingly difficult choice for many Americans. While some argue that parenting is our biological destiny, the white-picket-fence narrative is no longer realistic or sustainable—even for those who genuinely want children.
According to Pew Research Center, the primary reason adults aged 18-49 cite for not having kids is straightforward: they don’t want to. As a childfree person, I relate to this sentiment. Yet, when I share my decision to abstain from motherhood, I’m quickly labeled as “selfish”—a critique familiar to many who share this identity.
This judgment follows me everywhere—from Uber drivers to family members reminding me of my 'childbearing years' to strangers online. Such reactions reflect broader societal attitudes, exemplified by politicians who mock "childless cat ladies" to score points with their base.
Why Does Being Childfree Trigger Such Strong Reactions?
The visceral reactions to childfree individuals raise an important question: Why do some parents feel so threatened by those who opt out of parenthood?
The answer lies in our deep-rooted socialization. From an early age, we are groomed to view parenthood as an inevitable life milestone rather than an option. When individuals, especially women, deviate from this expected path, it can be perceived as a rejection of these traditional values, inadvertently challenging parenthood as a whole.
Contrary to popular belief, the decision not to have children rarely comes lightly. It involves careful consideration and critical analysis of one’s personal values, life goals, and current and future societal circumstances. In fact, I wish more prospective parents engaged in similar levels of reflection about the state of our country and the potential implications of bringing a child into this world before deciding to have children.
The ‘Bad Woman‘
Perhaps what's most threatening about the childfree choice is what it implies: that I'm having sex for pleasure, not procreation. By rejecting motherhood, I'm also rejecting the ‘good woman’ narrative that's been prescribed to me since childhood. I'm actively saying that my body, my sexuality, and my life choices don't exist to fulfill societal expectations or check a box off a to-do list.
I'm not just a childfree woman, I'm a childfree woman who made a career out of talking about sex and pleasure. My very existence threatens a society built on controlling both.
Maybe that makes me a ‘bad woman’ by traditional standards. But we need more bad women. Women who question outdated expectations; women who make bold, unapologetic choices rooted in their own values; women who dare to imagine a world where our worth isn't tied to whether or not we have children; who dare to seek pleasure whether it’s from a partner or high-end vibrator.
They call it “brave” to speak these truths. I call it seeing reality for what it is. If being childfree, sex-positive, and outspoken makes me a ‘bad woman’—good.
References
American Psychological Association (2023, November). Infographic: Stress of parents compared to other adults. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/infographics/infographic-parents-other-adults
American Psychological Association. (2018). Stress in America™: Generation Z. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2018/stress-gen-z.pdf
Bianchi, S. M. (2011). Family change and time allocation in American families. Annals of the American Academy of Political and Social Science, 638(1), 21–44. https://doi.org/10.1177/0002716211413731
Braga, D. (2022, December 7). One-in-four U.S. parents say they’ve struggled to afford food or housing in the past year. Pew Research Center.https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/12/07/one-in-four-u-s-parents-say-theyve-struggled-to-afford-food-or-housing-in-the-pastyear/#:~:text=1%20in%204%20U.S.%20parents,past%20year%20%7C%20Pew%20Research%20Center
Feuer, A. (2024, July 29). JD Vance and the childless cat lady: A history. NPR. https://www.npr.org/2024/07/29/nx-s1-5055616/jd-vance-childless-cat-lady-history
Gelles-Watnick, R. (2022, December 15). Explicit Content, Time-wasting Are Key Social Media Worries For Parents Of U.S. Teens. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/12/15/explicit-content-time-wasting-are-key-social-media-worries-for-parents-of-u-s-teens/
Jones, J. (2023, August 31). School, parent safety concerns remain high. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/510398/school-parent-safety-concerns-remain-high.aspx
Minkin, R., & Menasce Horowitz, J. (2023, January 24). Parenting in America Today. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/
Pew Research Center. (2024, July 25). The experiences of U.S. adults who don’t have children. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/07/25/the-experiences-of-u-s-adults-who-dont-have-children/
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS). (n.d.). One-Screen Data Search: American Time Use Survey. U.S. Department of Labor. https://data.bls.gov/PDQWeb/tu
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USA Facts (2023). Why are US homes getting bigger while households shrink? USA Facts. https://usafacts.org/articles/why-are-us-homes-getting-bigger-while-households-shrink/
Wolicki, S. B., Bitsko, R. H., Cree, R. A., Danielson, M. L., Ko, J. Y., Warner, L., & Robinson, L. R. (2021). Mental Health of Parents and Primary Caregivers by Sex and Associated Child Health Indicators. Adversity and resilience science, 2(2), 125–139. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s42844-021-00037-7