How My Childfree Journey Led Me to Dr. Phil
From Personal Choice to National Spotlight: Navigating Life as a Childfree Millennial
At 31, I proudly embrace my identity as a childfree cat lady.
Although it’s something I’ve felt within me for a long time, it has been a journey. It’s not a decision that came without sincere thought, reflection, and analysis.
Childhood and Early Influences
When I moved back in with my parents last summer — ah, the joys of adulting — it meant sifting through years that I boxed up.
I found everything from old homework to crumpled pieces of looseleaf with MASH RAP from middle school. I also found old diaries, some of which included notes about what kind of parent I would be, or wanted to be. I don’t have any recollection of writing them, but clearly the thought was there at some point.
I attended Catholic school from kindergarten through high school and was an only child to “older” parents. By “older,” I mean older than most of my peers’ parents. I imagine many of the views reflected in those journals were a reflection of the religious and familial environments I found myself in. I’ll add that I never felt pressured or expected to have kids from my parents, even today.
The Turning Point
In my early twenties, I noticed a significant shift in my attitude toward parenthood. It’s the first time in my life when I remember actively not wanting kids. My friends likened me to the episode of Sex and the City where Samantha throws an “I Don’t Have a Baby Shower, Everybody Drink!” party (I still want to have one of those, btw).
While most of my work teaches people how to navigate dating and sex with sexually transmitted infections (STIs), I gradually began incorporating content about being childfree. This expansion allowed me to address a broader range of non-traditional life choices, challenging social expectations around relationships, relationship milestones, and family planning.
My Reasons for Choosing a Childfree Life
When this decision became a conscious one, it became increasingly clear that I didn’t want to experience pregnancy. I feared it. I feared how my body would recover. I feared death during labor. I feared something growing inside of me.
I learned more about the development and birthing process through my human sexuality courses and became so uncomfortable to the point of nausea in even reading about changes in the body. To me, pregnancy was an incompatible experience.
While not wanting to be pregnant was a big reason for me to not have kids, it wasn’t the driving force. While no childfree person owes you their list of reasons, here is mine:
Ambition and Career: I want to build a meaningful, successful career. I’m not interested in settling for mundane or simple. I don’t want to sacrifice my career and dreams for a child I don’t even know or want.
Financial Obligations: It costs a lot to live as a single person. It would be financially irresponsible for me to bring another person into this world at current costs of basic living expenses. In addition, I want the financial freedom to buy what I want in addition to basic costs — whether that’s a dream vacation, more deep tissue massages, or an experience.
Independence: I want the freedom to live life how I want and not be bound by kids’ events and obligations. I want to wake up and watch the sunrise, workout, do yoga, or sip my coffee in peace. I am an only child, which perhaps contributes to my hyper-independence. I am self-aware enough to know that I like and want things on my terms.
Resentment: I love my friends’ kids and am a proud Auntie Em, but after a while, they drive me absolutely bonkers. I’d be resentful and extremely frustrated if I had one (or some) of my own, namely because I didn’t want them to begin with. Which would, in turn, make me a bad parent.
My ambitions, financial goals, and need for independence play key roles in my decision. I know I couldn't fully devote myself to both a high-powered career and the obligations of parenthood, nor do I aspire to. Kids are incompatible with the life I want to lead.
Navigating Moments of Doubt
Herpes Diagnosis
Though I was fairly certain I didn’t want kids in my early twenties, my herpes diagnosis brought me face-to-face with the reality of what felt like my “new” body. My diagnosis begged the question, which I posed on my blog at the time, “Even though I don’t want kids, can I still have them?”
The Peloton Effect
Shortly after the pandemic, and approaching 30, I hit an important reflection point about a lot of moving pieces in my life. I am an active Peloton girly. I have the Bike+ and the Tread and use one or the other each day for movement. Something was in the water over at Peloton and it seemed to be a summer when all of my favorite instructors were pregnant. Since I took their classes so frequently, I began to see how powerful these women were, before, during, and after their pregnancies. I was inspired and started to think, “Am I sure I *can’t* do this?”
The Ex Factor
This line of questioning was further reinforced when I started dating my on-again-off-again ex-boyfriend. We rekindled during a point of ambiguity, shortly after the COVID vaccines rolled out, when I was really sitting on the fence about many aspects of my life: career, school, and purpose.
As I continued to navigate uncertainty, I sought wisdom from the women in my life whom I loved and respected. Some with children, some without. I leaned into my curiosity and allowed myself to imagine a life where “mother” was part of my identity beyond just being a cat mom.
The more I heard the words come out of my mouth, the shift from if to when, the more I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself. Parenthood — motherhood. It wasn’t something I wanted, and I tried to keep the relationship afloat by finding a way to make it work. As it turns out, there is no compromise to be found when you really don’t want kids.
Exploring the idea of motherhood, even briefly, confirmed that it wasn’t the right path for me. This period of curiosity strengthened my resolve and deepened my understanding of the life I truly want to lead.
Going Viral: Sharing My Story
Speaking of influences, many people are influenced by social expectations and tradition. This includes the decision and expectation by many to become parents, more specifically, mothers.
One night before bed, I stitched a TikTok with another creator about “Why Childfree Women Trigger Moms.” I went to bed like any other night, not expecting much from it.
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I woke up and realized it went viral. For weeks it felt like everyone had something to say or add to the conversation — including the producers at Dr. Phil.
In May, I flew out to Dallas to be a guest on an episode of Doctor Phil Primetime about the ethics of having kids in today’s society and the active decision to be childfree.
I didn’t know how it would go, or what his views would be on the topic, especially since he and his wife have two children of their own. I also knew what I was stepping into given his previous platform and reputation.
The almost-two-hours of filming surprisingly flew by. It also helped that I got to meet an author of a book I love, Childfree by Choice by Dr. Amy Blackstone!
I’ll share more about this experience in an upcoming essay, but you can stream the episode here for free!
Intuition Confirmed
Sharing my journey neither starts nor stops with Dr. Phil. COVID forced us to rethink many aspects of our lives — our decisions, relationships, self-worth, and overall direction. When I look back now, my post-pandemic panic makes sense.
I share my story to illustrate that this decision isn’t made lightly and is often more thought out than those who decide to parent. The decision to be childfree involves deep introspection, consideration, and even moments of self-doubt. Such questioning is only natural in a society that equates our worth with our reproductive ability and choices.
People tend to attack childfree people over our decision. They assume we’re either “too selfish,” “heartless,” or just hate kids. Oftentimes, they claim we’re all three. The motherhood curiosity mindset, if only for a brief moment, reaffirmed what my intuition had been telling me all along.
Now, more than ever, I know this decision is mine.
Watch my episode on Dr. Phil Primetime for free on Merit Street Media