Herpes Coaching: Empowerment or Exploitation?

The Consequences of Unregulated Coaching on Those Affected by Herpes

I’ve talked about (and mostly criticized) self-dubbed “herpes coaches” for years.

You might be wondering, “What on earth is a herpes coach? Are they coaching people to get herpes?” Broadly, herpes coaches are people living with herpes who market their services as the solution to alleviating the impact of stigma. Their pitch often sounds like, “I overcame herpes stigma and I’ll help you do it, too.”

Since going public with my diagnosis in 2015, I’ve noticed an increasing number of herpes patient advocates (i.e. people with herpes) attempting to make herpes coaching their career. Social media and influencer culture have made this easier than ever, with the ability to gain traction from posts about highly controversial and stigmatized topics like herpes.

To be fair, that’s how I found Ella Dawson, now-retired herpes advocate, shortly after I was diagnosed. She went public, and her story went viral. But does someone’s lived experience alone qualify them to “coach” you through a diagnosis?

In this article, we’ll explore the ethical considerations surrounding herpes coaching, its potential pitfalls, and how it compares to traditional therapy.

The Differences Between Coaches and Therapists

Before delving into the specifics of herpes coaches, it’s crucial to understand the broader landscape of coaching versus therapy.

The health coaching industry is a $7.6 billion market in the United States. With growing mistrust of medical professionals and rampant misinformation about health and wellness, more people are turning to health coaches to solve their problems. According to the Global Coaching Study, the estimated number of practicing coaches exceeded 100,000 for the first time in 2022.

With training in both mental health and sex therapy, I have concerns about potential blurred lines around coaching and therapeutic practices.

Education

Therapists undergo years of schooling, clinical placements, and supervision hours, often accruing significant student debt. Many struggle to make a living as entry-level practitioners. While many therapists undergo extensive training, it’s important to recognize that not everyone has the financial means to pursue advanced education, which can limit access to qualified mental health support.

Amidst these frustrations, there is a rising number of coaches on social media. The problem I, and others, seem to have with these coaches is how they’re defining and marketing their expertise, education, and experience, in comparison to therapists.

In contrast to the rigorous training required for therapists, anyone can self-identify as “coach” and start seeing clients without specific training or credentials. This discrepancy is a significant source of tension between the two fields.

For coaches who don’t have specific training in their desired focus-field, this can quickly become problematic— especially when it comes to mental health and acknowledging privilege.

Differences in Industry Regulations

A key difference between the coaching and therapy fields is that therapy is regulated by each discipline’s governing body and professional association, whereas, coaching isn’t—at least not yet.

There is, however, the International Coaching Federation (ICF), which markets itself as “the hub for all things coaching” as the world’s largest nonprofit coaching association. ICF has various levels of coaching certifications, which include enrolling in a course as well as documenting hours with clients to reach certification.

Even with the ICF, not every “coach” enrolls in an accredited program or training, or even takes any training at all. Additionally, there are other offshoot programs and terms, like “certified” and “professional,” that people use to describe and market themselves online.

Without regulation and consensus on what these terms actually mean, they can become overwhelming, confusing, and misleading to consumers— especially those desperately seeking solutions to their problems.

Overlapping Goals Between Disciplines

The key difference as I had previously understood it was that coaches focus on a very specific goal in the future, and therapeutic work delves more into the client’s past. The ICF also leans into this narrative.

While this can be true, there is a longstanding history of grey areas, and research supports that this is a more nuanced issue than just past versus future.

Therapists can work with clients on the past while helping them achieve change in their present and future. Similarly, therapists can utilize more coaching-oriented techniques with their clients, too. So how does one define where a coach’s work begins and a therapist’s ends?

The current body of research shows that this is still unclear. People can enter coaching and therapy thinking they need help with one issue, and others may emerge in the process.

Despite the overlap, I think a key indicator of any ethically sound professional, whether coach or therapist, is understanding and knowing your limits as a practitioner and the services you can provide to the best of your abilities.

Ethical Concerns in Coaching

Lack of Regulation

The lack of regulation in the coaching industry doesn’t just mean that there are risks with coaches, even therapists who lose their licensure for violating ethics can end up practicing as a coach.

Further, since not every coach needs to be ICF-accredited, there is no guidance on upholding ethics and boundaries. This can be problematic when navigating feelings that arise during the coach-client engagement.

In therapy, these feelings are called transference (a client transferring their feelings about someone onto their therapist) and counter-transference (the reactions, biases, and perceptions a therapist has toward a client). These concepts can also apply to coaching. For example, if a herpes coach develops a romantic or sexual interest in their client, it raises ethical concerns about the boundaries of the coaching relationship.

Despite the lack of regulation, one survey revealed that 80% of coaches agree that coaches should be certified or credentialed in coaching. Coaching is a discipline, and I believe it should be acknowledged and respected as such, just like the mental and medical health fields.

Lack of Mental Health Training and Navigating the "Grey Area”

One study shows that 25% to 50% of people working with a life coach have a mental health condition that requires more therapeutic support.

A small thematic analysis of ICF-certified coaches and therapists from 2021 supports this, noting that coaches generally believe that a counseling background or training in mental health was missing from their coaching training and would be beneficial to have while holding space for their clients.

Even if there is no ill-intent, without some sort of background in mental health, coaches may inevitably push clients too far or too soon.

…the “illusion that the client can achieve whatever he wishes for as a result promised in coaching is very common but that is ignoring the client’s needs.” (Giraldez-Hayes, 2024)

Let’s use herpes as an example. Claire is diagnosed with herpes and spends hours searching Google and TikTok. She comes across a “herpes coach.” She’s reassured that this person knows exactly what she’s been through, so she pursues their services. They charge $6,000 for their coaching term. Claire feels very hopeless about herpes, and even though she doesn’t want to take money out of her savings account, she feels like it’s the only option.

Things are going well with Claire and her coach in the first few sessions. She’s developed a dating prompt and feels like she has the information she needs to share with potential partners. But as she’s going out and dating people, she finds increased levels of anxiety and shame emerging. They’re specifically related to self-pleasure and sex, and are triggered when dates touch her or even suggest anything physical.

After sharing this with her coach, her coach tells her to “just stop masturbating,” and move past the discomfort when it comes to others touching her. What the coach doesn’t realize is that Claire is a survivor of sexual assault. This response leaves Claire feeling re-traumatized, invalidated, and ashamed.

This example is multi-faceted and shows how quickly “herpes coaching” can go wrong if a coach is untrained in mental health and sexuality.

Therapy places the needs of the client first, while coaching tends to prioritize the goals and outcomes of the engagement. Having a therapeutic background would be helpful to know when a client feels and is prepared to move forward, versus a coach propelling someone forward when they’re not ready.

The Ethics of “Herpes Coaching”

My frustrations with the coaching industry stem not from coaches who practice and uphold themselves to a standard of care and navigate the space mindfully, but from those who enter the profession without training and attempt to manipulate vulnerable populations, like people with herpes, for large sums of cash and personal gain.

I don’t believe that every herpes coach is a bad person. I also suspect some entered this path as a means of coping with their diagnosis, deeply entrenched in illness identity (but that’s a longer discussion for another post).

We live in a society that encourages us to leave the traditional grind of the 9-5 in pursuit of a side hustle. Instead of finding joy in our hobbies, we’re encouraged to monetize them.

As humans, it’s important for us to find meaning and purpose, and helping others overcome something, like a herpes diagnosis, seems like a logical next step. But jumping immediately from diagnosis into coaching presents additional ethical challenges and concerns.

Herpes Stigma

Herpes coaching alone isn’t sustainable as a career. If you aspire to live in a world where stigma is eradicated, herpes alone cannot be what sustains your livelihood. Stigma becomes survival.

There’s a difference between a dating coach who helps people navigating dating dilemmas, communication, and dating app bios who also supports people in creating disclosure prompts. This person’s skills are versatile and can sustain their career without monetizing herpes exclusively.

Patient Advocates & Privilege

When it comes to chronic illnesses, like herpes, patient advocates are essential. By definition, patient advocates utilize personal experience to advocate for and on behalf of others living with herpes.

It feels good to have someone who knows what you’re experiencing and who's been through it. In therapy, self-disclosure is used strategically and in service of the client, while in coaching, self-disclosure is emphasized and encouraged.

While peer support can be invaluable for those newly diagnosed with herpes, monetizing support through coaching raises ethical questions. Even the most well-intentioned advocates can further mental health damage by acting as a coach without proper training and experience.

Privilege plays a large role in someone’s experience of a herpes diagnosis. This is especially important in understanding how underserved populations navigate external supports, healthcare systems, testing, and treatment options as they are often neglected by research.

When patient advocates deny or are unaware of their privileges, the lines around one’s advocacy efforts and credibility become blurred.

We cannot ethically advocate for someone without an awareness and understanding of how others’ experiences and life circumstances differ from our own.

Support

Some herpes coaches offer text or phone-call support. Similar to self-awareness, I think it’s important that these providers outline what exactly this support entails and how often it lasts.

Because of the mental health overlap and lack of regulations, a coach could abandon a client in a time when they’re under duress. Whether that’s because they missed a text, were too busy with other clients, were under the influence, or something else. There need to be boundaries in place so that someone is not left alone in crisis.

Unverified Medical Advice

Herpes coaching is unique because it overlaps with mental and sexual health. Because of the lack of regulation and training, anyone can provide unverified medical advice that isn’t fact checked, cited, or researched.

Supporting others through a herpes diagnosis is much more than having knowledge about the herpes virus, empathizing with feelings of isolation, or finding a go-to disclosure prompt. Again, this is where self-awareness and someone knowing their strengths and expertise is critical.

Can Therapy and Coaching Co-Exist?

People find healing and support in a lot of places that aren’t a therapist’s office. Therapy is not the only path to healing, growth, or change.

I believe therapy and coaching can co-exist in some areas, and sometimes, someone might benefit from both. In fact, I’ve even considered seeking a coaching credential to provide more action-oriented dating advice.

When it comes to herpes coaching exclusively, I firmly believe the “profession” should not exist. While herpes coaches may be well-intentioned, the concept of herpes coaching presents significant ethical concerns. The lack of regulation, misinformation, and potential exploitation of vulnerable individuals makes the risks considerable.

That said, the need for support among people diagnosed with herpes is real. Moving forward, we need to focus on developing ethical, responsible ways to provide this support– whether through better-regulated coaching, peer support groups, or increased access to mental health professionals specializing in sexual health. Ultimately, the goal should be to provide help that truly empowers individuals, rather than potentially causing more harm.

On Wednesday’s edition of Sexual Health Wealth, I’ll explore key questions to help assess whether someone offering “herpes coaching” can truly provide supportive guidance.

---

Additional Reading

Better Business Bureau (2024). Scam Tracker

Federal Trade Commission (2022). When a Business Offer or Coaching Program is a Scam

ICF (2023). Global Coaching Study: 2023 Executive Summary

PsychCentral (2022). Should You Get Therapy or Life Coaching?

The New York Times (2024). They Spent Their Life Savings on Life Coaching

Additional Sources

Giraldez-Hayes, A. (2021). Different domains or grey areas? Setting boundaries between coaching and therapy: A thematic analysis. The Coaching Psychologist, 17(2), 18-29.

Priest, N. F. (2024). HSV and Proud: Does illness identity mediate the relationship between genital herpes stigma and well-being? Electronic Theses and Dissertations. 3597.

Spence, G., & Grant, A. M. (2007). Professional and peer life coaching and the enhancement of goal striving and well-being: An exploratory study. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(3), 185-194.