Growing in the Gaps

Transforming pain into power: a journey through heartbreak and the quiet power of self-rediscovery

Sexual Health Wealth typically focuses on a specific topic, question, or news story related to dating, relationships, and sexual health. However, today’s post is a bit of a shift from that to explore something more personal.

As we transition to fall, I feel inspired to share my personal journey of growth and self-discovery that I experienced this summer. This reflection spans sobriety, navigating family dynamics, healing from breakups, and personal development.

I hope my story resonates with you and perhaps sparks inspiration for your own journey of self-investment. Thank you for believing in me, especially in moments when I struggled to believe in myself.

The Shift to Stillness: Embracing Autumn

For people who live in climates with four distinct seasons, October signifies change. Leaves begin to fall, the air chills, and the sun seems to rise slower and disappear faster each day.

For me, these seasonal changes signal a time to go inward. October is a time of creative nurture, reflection, and embracing my introverted nature.

The perfect path for my daily podcast walks.

Summer is usually the time of year when I feel my best and most like me. But this summer felt different.

Around mid-to-late June, I felt those familiar autumnal feelings creeping in. Not the physical, outward signs of change in seasons, but internal clues about myself and the state of my healing.

A Year of Investment: More Than Just Finances

Each year, I choose a word to center myself and work toward self-improvement. I’ve been doing this for about four or five years now, and it has added a sense of purpose and meaning to my life.

This year, I chose the word “invest.” Historically, I haven’t always been great with money. I’ve found myself in credit card debt. I hadn’t always had a budget or known how to make one. I was prone to emotional spending, especially when feeling down.

But last year, I decided to change that.

What began as a year of financial focus soon spread into other aspects of my life, leading to significant changes.

Coming Home: Finding Myself Amid Familiar Chaos

After my breakup in 2023, I moved back home with my parents. I didn’t have much in savings and wasn’t sure where I wanted my next home to be. Since my job was remote, I decided to move back to Maryland to work on building my savings and financial security. It wasn’t a “fun” decision, but it was a responsible one.

Somehow Philadelphia still feels more like home than the house I’ve lived in for most of my life. I’ve lived on my own since 18, with a few exceptions of temporary housing with friends and partners.

Some things never change… an early 2000s Emily

In late summer of last year, I started following more financially-focused women on social media and found a budget template I could follow and stick to. This led me to choose my 2024 word of the year: “invest.” Investing, not only in my financial future, but in myself.

Then, in May of this year, my plans were upended when I lost my corporate job. For those who don’t know, I’ve always worked outside of my sexual health work. While in graduate school, I still worked full-time as a paralegal and policy professional.

I knew I was burnt out and needed rest, and I had the space to do it while living with my parents. For the first time in a long time, I had the ability to breathe. No graduate papers to turn in, no boss to report to, and no relationship obligations. It felt like my own version of a summer vacation.

Navigating Family Tensions: Lessons in Patience and Decluttering

Living at home with my parents is hard, for a lot of reasons. It’s something else I’ve avoided returning to, which made my decision to move back here so much harder.

My relationship with my father is strained due to differing viewpoints and his constant consumption of news media, which leaves me retreating to my room most days. The house I grew up in feels frozen in time, cluttered with memories and items long past their usefulness.

The sight of overstuffed closets, piles of paper, and crowded surfaces serves as a constant reminder of why I avoided visiting for so long. Things are improving, but slowly. My father’s resistance to change is a significant hurdle.

A Summer of Change: Breaking Free From Old Patterns

Summer is usually a season when I come alive, but this year I felt all I wanted to do was run away. While I have money saved, this wasn’t the time to go on an expensive vacation, and since I currently don’t have a job, I’ve stopped daydreaming of my next move.

While I didn’t take any solo trips, I did manage to visit cousins in Buffalo and my aunts in Lake Anna, Virginia. It was the closest I could get to the water, which is often where I heal.

Embracing Sobriety

Another significant shift happened this summer: I stopped drinking. If you’ve been with me on this journey for a while, you’ll remember I’ve gone through various periods of sobriety in my 20s—30 days, 60 days, 100 days. It’s usually because I’m going through something.

If I’m being honest, I guess you could say I’ve been “going through something” for a while. Alcoholism is no stranger to my family. There wasn’t a specific wake-up moment, just an accumulation of observations. After seeing the impact alcohol had on people in my family, I suddenly saw my potential future in front of me, even if I only kept drinking casually.

I didn’t want to numb myself alone in front of the television every night, and had no desire to drink until I was no longer capable of speech. These were both places I’ve been before.

I decided to take control of my fate.

I’ve embraced many alcohol alternatives, including dealcoholized wines, mocktails, and even non-alcoholic White Claws, to help with my summer cravings.

Today is day 54 of sobriety, and I feel steady. Waking up feels easier. My mind is clearer and more vibrant. My Whoop, my fitness tracker, confirms improvements across my body, too.

The non-alcoholic White Claws come very close to the real thing! Peach is my favorite.

Sobriety brought clarity, but with it came an unexpected challenge: confronting the raw, unfiltered emotions I'd been drowning for so long. What truths emerge when you can no longer hide behind the haze of alcohol?