Ask Emily: How Do I Overcome the Anxiety of Passing Herpes to a Partner?
From Self-Protection to Connection: Breaking Free of the Anxiety-Stigma Loop
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Dear Emily,
I’m finally feeling more confident about living with herpes (I have genital HSV1) to the point where I feel like I’m ready to date again. I’ve been on a couple of dates recently, but my anxiety keeps getting in the way. We go and have a nice time, but I find myself starting to ghost them, or drifting away before I even disclose.
Honestly, it’s not even really the disclosure part that’s getting me, it’s more what happens if I give it to them? I keep thinking about how awful I’d feel if I passed it to someone else. The guilt and shame would be too much, and I don’t know if it’s something I have the heart to risk.
I keep telling myself I’m “worth it” (my therapist says this, too) and that it’s probably just stigma keeping me stuck in this loop, but I wanted to ask if you have any advice that could help me move forward?
Sincerely,
Ready But Reluctant
Dear Ready But Reluctant,
Thank you for this question. You may be surprised to know that I’ve received many inquiries over the years about this exact concern: the anxiety of passing herpes to a partner and the grief that could follow.
I don’t know if it’s helpful or accurate to say “we’ve all been there,” but I think it’s fair to say this thought has crossed most of our minds: What if I do give it to them?
You sound very introspective, noting that both stigma and anxiety play a role here. If you’re an anxious person or live with anxiety (me too), elements of anxiety are likely to appear in your dating life and relationships. General examples of that can include thoughts like “Do they like me?” and “Did I say the right thing?” to “What should I wear for this date?”
Understanding the Anxiety-Stigma Loop
Even with medication, we can’t eliminate anxiety altogether. But we can learn the tools for how to combat and manage these thoughts when they do arise.
When looking at the source of these feelings, we can identify distinct voices that often work together:
Anxiety: the thoughts that stem from worry and fear of what could happen sometime in the future
Herpes Stigma: the thoughts that remind you what society and stereotypes tell you about people with herpes
Shame: the deep-seated emotional response that makes us question our self-worth and belongingness when faced with stigma and judgment
Combined, these voices create a powerful storm that can quickly override all of the hard work you've done to rebuild your confidence. Like an actor before a performance—you might feel prepared and centered during all your rehearsals, but those subtle moments of uncertainty creep in the moment you're about to step onto the stage. The anxious thoughts whisper, "What if they get herpes from me?" while stigma echoes and shame reinforces the negative messages about people with herpes.