5 Questions to Ask When Looking for a Herpes-Informed Therapist
5 Questions to Ask When Looking for a Herpes-Informed Therapist
How to Find a Therapist Who Actually Gets It
So you’ve decided to explore therapy to help support you through your healing journey with herpes. Congratulations, that’s a big step—and one that takes courage to get here.
Finding a therapist is hard enough, and finding one who understands the impact of herpes stigma can feel overwhelming and even hopeless. The questions start piling up:
How do you know that they won’t further shame and stigmatize you?
Do they actually know the facts about herpes, or just the stigma?
How do you know you can share your experiences and feelings without judgement?
How do you know that it will be worth it?
Some people seek therapy right after their diagnosis, while others arrive at this decision years later. No matter where you are on your journey, here are five essential questions to ask when finding a therapist.
1. What does being sex positive mean to you?
Yes, many platforms (like Psychology Today and Therapy Den) let you filter for categories, like:
Body positive
Open relationships/non-monogamy
Queer-competent
Sex-Positive, Kink Aligned
Trans-competent
No matter how much we wish we could trust what someone says online, we know people can exaggerate on their profiles or website or claim expertise they don’t really have.
Asking what sex positivity means to them lets you hear their real perspective and understanding in realtime—not just a textbook definition. Their answer will tell you a lot about whether they’re truly equipped to support your healing.
2. What training do you have in sexuality and sexual health?
There are multiple ways to become a sex therapist, or someone with more experience and training in sexuality and sexual health. Not every therapy program is the same.
When you’re reviewing this therapist’s profile, see if it lists where they went to school or what kinds of internship experience or training they had. Don’t be afraid to ask them about their experience and ask them to elaborate. This will give you a sense of if they have experience working in sexuality, or are just getting their feet wet, or maybe are claiming to be in territory they’re not yet an expert at.
3. Have you worked with people with sexually transmitted infections before?
You may be more likely to find someone who is equipped in experience with people with HIV versus herpes. Broadening the question from a specific STI to STIs as a whole can tell you a lot about how updated the person is on all things STIs.
For example, a tell-tale sign that someone may not be a great fit is if they still use STD versus STI.
4. How do you usually approach shame and stigma in your practice?
Shame is a feeling that isn’t just tied to herpes or sex. Listen for whether they understand how shame shows up differently for different people. Some modalities may work better (or worse) depending on who you are, what experiences you bring to the table, and what your goals are for therapy.
Look for someone who can describe their specific approach, whether it's through self-compassion work, cognitive behavioral techniques, feminist theory, or other evidence-based methods. What’s important to listen to here is how the therapist contextualizes and works with shame, and if you think you could see yourself working within this framework.
5. Have you ever helped clients navigate dating and disclosure conversations? If so, how?
This question requires nuance in both the asking and the answer. Most therapists probably won’t have a script for disclosure handy, but a good therapist would be ready and willing to work with you on one if that was your goal.
You want someone who understands the complexity of these conversations and the feelings that arise when they come up. A good answer might include:
awareness of feelings that might arise (fear, shame, anxiety)
experience helping clients build confidence in these types of situations
awareness of how timing (before, during, or delayed) could impact safety
admitting they’ve never done this before, but would be willing to learn alongside you and help you based on adjacent topics
Choosing What’s Right for You
Every person seeking support for herpes needs something different. Maybe you’re still processing diagnosis trauma or relationship betrayal. Maybe you just need factual education. Or maybe you’re working through pre-existing self-esteem struggles that were exacerbated by your herpes diagnosis.
Maybe you specifically want a queer therapist who truly understands your experience. Maybe you need someone with a similar cultural background. There’s no universal “best fit” therapist—you know yourself best and what you need.
If you feel pressured during a consultation, like you’re at a car dealership instead of a therapy office, take a step back. Think of finding a therapist as an interview process. A good therapist wants you to find the right match—even if it’s not them.
Finding the right therapist is a personal journey. Take your time, trust your instincts, and don't settle for someone who doesn't feel like the right fit. The effort you put into finding the right therapeutic match will be worth it for your healing journey.
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